I have three blog posts in various stages of readiness. This is the most upbeat and that's not saying much. I have a week off work and no money to enjoy it. My children are at daycare because I pay for the whole week and I have to clean the house and get to a doctor's appointment. I really did not want to repeat last year's Spring Break disappointment but this "vacation" has certainly started out the same way.
Last night I cried myself to sleep because I fervently wish my children had a better mother. Henry needs me 100% of the time. He's four, he's curious, he loves to talk and show me things. He gets incredibly sad when I cannot focus completely on him. Of course, there are plenty of times that he will do a puzzle or play trains all by himself. But it seems that those times never coincide with the times I need to complete a task of my own. Liam is in a class all to himself. He is incredibly demanding and virtually impossible to please. He's also quite affectionate when he wants to be. How much longer will he be small enough for me to hold on my lap? Each time we snuggle I fear it will be the last. Liam is intelligent, curious, loves his brother beyond reason and is the most stubborn personality I've ever encountered.
I have almost no quality time with my children. Between working full time, commuting twelve hours each week and making sure the boys get enough time with their grandparents, there's nothing left for me. Nothing except cooking, cleaning, cajoling and crying. I am their waitress, their laundress and their chauffeur. When we are home, they see me in the kitchen or laundry room, taking out the garbage or changing their sheets. But they never see me sitting across from them basking in their presence. Sure we do crafts. But honestly, the whole time I'm thinking, I need to clean this up and start dinner. Sure I read them books at night, but mostly, I hope they choose really short ones because I still have dishes, laundry and work reports to write. And I'm tired.
This lack of time with my children saddens me. It is something that no one warns you about when you are building a family. Maybe things will get better when the weather warms up (it's still in the 30's and snow is forecast for Wednesday). Winter sure doesn't want to leave these parts. If it ever does, I'll bring the boys outside and try my best to ignore all the desperately needed spring yard work.