Recently someone close to our family made a comment that stopped me in my tracks. I was speaking of another family and how I thought their children must be hurting and confused because they have had three fathers (one at a time) and now are practically raising themselves. I realize, I shouldn't have judged another mom and her family structure. I was wrong; it was an ugly, petty thing to do. So if the criticism had addressed that behavior, it would have found its mark.
However, after I made the remark, this person (TP) pointed to my children and said, complete with eye roll, "You should talk." Really? No, I shouldn't talk; I've addressed that. But that wasn't the message. It was an only slightly veiled criticism of my SMC-hood. What I heard was, you made a harmful decision bringing these children into the world without benefit of a traditional, permanent two parent family.
Understand that TP is not a casual observer outside our family. TP spends many hours interacting with my sons, watching them grow and enjoying their antics. The origin and current structure of the aforementioned family share no similarities with mine, so I must assume that TP was speaking about the common immorality of our parenting choices.
Apparently TP "loves the sinner but hates the sin". Words fail to express how much I dislike that saying. And not just when it is applied to me. It's pretentious and disingenuous. I'm not sure I want to be loved by people who use it to describe our relationship.
How does my choice to create a family represent a less moral choice than, say, a family created by a couple of twenty year old substance abusers receiving government assistance--just because they are married to each other? How does my mom/kid family get labeled a bad, harmful choice but a couple who divorces months after their baby is born and thus pass custody like a football, represent an acceptable way to raise a child?
I don't get it. Even if you explain it to me, I still won't understand.
I don't get it, either. And TP's comment makes me furious for you! Ugh!
ReplyDeleteA reaction like TP's is so frustrating! Especially when she's someone who invests so much time with your family.
ReplyDeleteTP's comment doesn't make ANY sense and I'm frustrated on your behalf! UGH! But at the end of the day, all that truly matters is that you know how you're raising your boys and that they are in a loving environment. Your family is perfect the way it is and your boys have the most wonderful, caring mother.
ReplyDeleteIt doesn't make sense to me either. SMC seem to have it even harder than dead-beat dads who walk away - they are the ones that should be made to answer for their behaviour, not devoted parents like yourself, be they single or not. xx
ReplyDeleteSome people are such assholes. That's all I have to say about that. Our families are JUST as beautiful as any other family out there and I know you know that. Happy Thanksgiving! Be thankful we don't have to deal with comments like that on a daily basis. :)
ReplyDeleteMy mother was married 3 times while I was growing up. Three marriages and three divorces in the 17 years I lived under her roof. She is now in her 4th marriage and has been harping for a year about how she's ready for another divorce. I don't want this for my children at all. The confusion of watching man after man come and go - some who care for you, many more who don't - out of our lives was heartbreaking. She left us once to go live with one guy while we stayed with our grandmother. Let TP and the rest of the world judge you for what they think you're doing wrong, but I can guarantee that your boys will never need the intense therapy I needed just to be able to trust that when I met a man, he would actually stay.
ReplyDeleteLara, people could say whatever they want to say, they could be critical and judgemental. At the end of the day, what matters is that you are raising the most beautiful boys. They will always love you, because YOU are their mom, and to us -witnesses of your life with them-, you are a remarkable mother. That is all that matters. The rest is envy, lack of empathy, ignorance, and just being rude. Us SMCs, are ahead of our times, and have to pay the price of being judged for our choices. What really matters is that our children were chosen. And for that reason, their lives are far more meaningful and precious that it doesn't compare to "conventional families".
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