I've been repeating that for almost a week. A week of illness in the house. I'm not going to write at length about how hard it is to care for young children while being a feverish, achy and exhausted single mom. Other SMC blogs have well-written posts about that. And every word is true. When you can barely walk to the kitchen to make a cup of tea, the very act of filling sippy cups and making macaroni and cheese feels as insurmountable as hiking to the summit of Mt. Everest. But, like those other moms, I continue doing what I need to do, especially after Henry also became ill with strep bacteria.
After days on the couch, a house that looks the "before" on a reality show and several doses of antibiotics that may or may not be working, it's time to send everyone back to school. I think the boys are okay. They both complain of feeling warm and being achy when they first wake up (including naps) but after an hour they are back to their normal level of activity. Wish I could say the same for myself. Stating that I'm operating at 50% would be generous but I'll say it anyway just so I can get through the day. This too shall pass.
I'm reminded of all the self-talk I did when I had pneumonia during my second pregnancy. Somehow I got through that. Coming down with the illness at 18 weeks meant I was physically miserable and had zero energy until I delivered Liam at 38 weeks. I don't talk about it much because I am so very grateful that he arrived healthy and whole. Whatever I endured that winter was worth the toll because in the end, my baby was well.
This has been the worst and longest illness I've had since then. Not only have I been carrying the physical aches and pains of being sick but I'm also carrying a lot of resentment and worry. It's clear that I need to make some major changes at work. I will have to put away my ambition and pride as I turn down a big professional opportunity As much as I crave the stimulation and new experience, I simply cannot grow and nurture my career while trying to nurture my growing children. In spite of knowing that truth, I'm having a hard time letting go--and being sick has just made everything seem worse.
For now I'll make our lunches, pack our bags and set out tomorrow's clothes. Little things because everything else is just too big right now.