I haven't felt like blogging this week. Work problems have overshadowed almost everything. Until tonight, I didn't even log in to Blogger. The stress at my job has zapped all my energy. It started a week ago--now either the worst is over or I'm experiencing the calm before the storm. Either way, I haven't been sleeping well--my usual mom-of-young-children six hours per night has dwindled to less than four hours. Sleep deprivation, as we all know, makes bad things feel worse.
You know all those warnings about being careful about what you post on Facebook and elsewhere on the internet? How we're told nothing is ever permanently deleted in cyberspace? Well, I typically don't heed those warnings but I will in this instance, just to be safe. As safe as one can feel in this situation*.
A horrible feeling of dread shrouded me for days. Several times this week, I looked at my coffeemaker in the evening and burst into tears because it reminded me I had to go to work the next day. Once (and I'm not proud of this) I took to my bed at 4 pm and let the children fend for themselves for two hours. Even as I lay there, I knew that that was not the kind of mom I want to be. Ever. I got up, made dinner and cleaned up about 3,000 tiny Legos.
For the first time, I am counting the number of school days left in the year. Once, when I was fairly new to teaching, a colleague wrote "---days left" on the chalkboard in the teacher's lounge. She changed the number each morning and I added "to make a difference." That's always been my outlook but this year I'm right there with the students. I will miss them and do wish them well in high school but the last day cannot come too soon.
Meanwhile, I'll try to keep my face to the sunshine; focusing on what really matters and keeping it together for the sake of my children. A few weeks ago Henry drew this portrait of me on a 3x3 Post-it while riding in the backseat of our car. I just love it--in spite of the fact that he revealed he'd been trying to draw an alligator but "messed up so I just turned the paper sideways and drew you, Mom." Looking at this and the boy who drew it makes me smile. Every time.
*I'm dying to tell you what happened. If we know each other IRL, sometime this summer you'll probably get an earful.