You know all those warnings about being careful about what you post on Facebook and elsewhere on the internet? How we're told nothing is ever permanently deleted in cyberspace? Well, I typically don't heed those warnings but I will in this instance, just to be safe. As safe as one can feel in this situation*.
A horrible feeling of dread shrouded me for days. Several times this week, I looked at my coffeemaker in the evening and burst into tears because it reminded me I had to go to work the next day. Once (and I'm not proud of this) I took to my bed at 4 pm and let the children fend for themselves for two hours. Even as I lay there, I knew that that was not the kind of mom I want to be. Ever. I got up, made dinner and cleaned up about 3,000 tiny Legos.
For the first time, I am counting the number of school days left in the year. Once, when I was fairly new to teaching, a colleague wrote "---days left" on the chalkboard in the teacher's lounge. She changed the number each morning and I added "to make a difference." That's always been my outlook but this year I'm right there with the students. I will miss them and do wish them well in high school but the last day cannot come too soon.
Meanwhile, I'll try to keep my face to the sunshine; focusing on what really matters and keeping it together for the sake of my children. A few weeks ago Henry drew this portrait of me on a 3x3 Post-it while riding in the backseat of our car. I just love it--in spite of the fact that he revealed he'd been trying to draw an alligator but "messed up so I just turned the paper sideways and drew you, Mom." Looking at this and the boy who drew it makes me smile. Every time.
*I'm dying to tell you what happened. If we know each other IRL, sometime this summer you'll probably get an earful.
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Hang in there. Life with small children is exhausting and challenging, and I'm sure your job is also exhausting and challenging. You're almost done, and it's about to get much easier again. One day at a time.
ReplyDeleteOh, Lara, I wish there was something I could do to ease your distress about work. I know those dreadful feelings. I've been known to hide from the kids and let them do whatever they liked, and know all too well that realization that "this is not what I want to be for my kids". Hang in there, and if there's anything we can do, please let us know.
ReplyDeleteDon't I understand work problems in a school setting. I'm sorry for whatever you are going through currently. There's a real low morale at my school right now as well and for some on staff they seem to be feeling the same as you right now. Thinking of you. It is okay to need your space even though you are the ones your kids are counting on. It helps them realize that even mommies sometimes need a break. I think your countdown is shorter than mine - we got right until June 29th. Hope the time flies!
ReplyDeleteSorry to hear you are having such a hard time.
ReplyDeleteLove the picture :-).
Sorry about the job. Hopefully this is the end of the issue!
ReplyDeleteLove the picture!
Its not an easy profession that is why so many leave the after just a few years. I would love to hear the story but I understand privacy comes first.
ReplyDeleteUGH! I've had those days, too! When I am just so exhausted, I can't even play with them...or keep my eyes open in the middle of the afternoon for that matter. The good thing is that if you drift off for just a little while, my guess is that you still have an ear for what is going on. But, I agree, those days are the worst.
ReplyDeleteI hope things at work start to improve and that this is not the calm before the storm. One look at those sweet faces (and pictures!) and we remember that everything is worth it. Fingers crossed that you are able to sleep better soon.
Sorry you are dealing with unpleasantness! Hang in there. Thinking of you and hoping the school year comes to a close for you quickly.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry to hear things aren't going well & hope they get better soon. Hoping the your rough days pass quickly & the fun of summer can begin for you really soon.
ReplyDeleteI'm right there with you right now. Some major work projects have literally zapped the life out of me, and a single mom of two young kids just does not have the comfort of checking out of life. In fact I type this sitting at home after taking a mental health day. Of course I've been working all day long from home, but damnit, I am not leaving today in the hopes that tonight and the rest of this long weekend my kids can get back the Mommy they deserve. Hopefully we will both make it through. :)
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