Typical (and Late)

Recently many of the bloggers I follow posted a description of a typical day in their lives.  That was last week and I wasn't anywhere near feeling like doing the same.  Remember that cartoon, where the woman says, "I try to take one day at a time but lately several days have been ganging up on me"?  It's kind of been like that.   But I'm starting to catch my breath so I'll try to summarize a typical weekday for you, assuming you're still interested.  (Personally, I think tonight's network television premiers would better hold your interest  but I can't be sure, my cable is out.  And that technical 'support'  phone call is, as we say, another post.)

A Day (just one, please)

Somewhere around 4 am:   Wake as elderly dog begins to whine, then yelp.  Let him outside.  Let him back in then feed him in hopes that he and I will fall back asleep.

4:05 am - 5:30 am:  Lay awake in bed thinking about how exhausted I am and will be for the rest of the day my life.

5:31 am:  Give up. Get up.  Turn off all alarms in hopes that the boys continue to sleep.

5:35 am:  Boil water.  Start coffee.  Think about turning on the news to hear the sound of grown-ups but won't risk waking the boys.  Check email instead.

5:41 am:  Pour boiling water in Henry's thermal jar and my commuter cup so both will stay hotter longer.  Not sure this actually works but have been doing it for six weeks anyway.

5:45 am:  Begin cooking spaghetti o's which are surprisingly appetizing at this hour.  Also, begin cooking oatmeal which is not.  Oatmeal is supposed to have all kinds of health benefits.  Not sure this actually works but have been doing it for six months anyway.

5:55 am  Check Facebook to see what everyone who stays up later than 9pm did last night.

6:00 am   Think that I should high tail it into the bathroom and get ready for work in uninterrupted peace before the boys get up.

6:00:30 am  The boys are up.

6:01 am  Provide juice (+3 parts water, of course) and graham crackers.  Seat children on sofa and retrieve blankets because having left their nice warm beds, they are "sooooooo cold".

6:02 am  Put end to major kickfest.  Settle dvd dispute by turning on dvr'd episode of Electric Company.

6:03 am  Think that I should high tail it into the bathroom and get ready for work in uninterrupted peace before the show ends.

6:03:30 am  Remember that I didn't pack a lunch for me.  Return to kitchen to notice that spaghetti o's have boiled over and cemented themselves to cook top.  Block out shouts of "I don't want this juice" and "I want a Popsicle" coming from the next room.

6:07 am    Pack lunch.  Remember to set it high upon the counter so dog does not attack it for a repeat of the great Lean Cuisine disaster of 2011.

6:10 am    On the way to the bathroom, stopped by ringing phone and recorded message from the bank saying my debit limit has been exceeded and they just want to help me manage my accounts.  Hang up phone while grumbling, "Yeah, yeah, manage this."  But then am suddenly reminded that I didn't pay the gas/cable/water/fruit of the month bill.  Go online and after seven attempts to remember utility company password, get locked out of the website.

6:24 am  Notice that both boys are stark naked and standing on the sofa yelling "KeeeeYaaaaah"

6:31 am    Having convinced boys to get dressed, remember that oatmeal finished cooking 20 minutes ago.  Remove bowl from microwave and set on floor for the dog. 

6:32 am   Think that I should high tail it into the bathroom and get ready for work in uninterrupted peace before Electric Company ends.

6:32:30 am   Electric Company ends. 

6:40 am   From behind the locked bathroom door, listen to thousands of Legos fall hit the floor as the boys entertain themselves.  Hurriedly apply last year's makeup and drag a wet comb through hair in attempt to look like I actually have some remaining pride in my appearance.    Not sure this actually works but have been doing it for years anyway.

6:51 am  Steal glance at the clock and swallow the panic that begins to swell inside me.  Realize that I have two choices.  Wear nice black pants with shoes that hurt worse than childbirth or wear khaki pants with sandals.  It's October.  Reach for khaki pants.

6:56 am  Attempt to yell "Shoes and socks" to the boys while brushing my teeth with fancy-dancy SonicCare toothbrush.  Make a mess.  Both boys yell back, "What?"   Respond with "I SHED, schoooz an shecks, NOW!"  Realize I must now change my top and clean the mirror.

6:59 am  Untie knots in Henry's uniform shoes, slip on Liam's light-up shoes, find my sandals.  Grab backpacks, tote bags, favorite blanket, favorite penguin, show-and-tell bag, two lunch bags, two kids' cups and one commuter cup of coffee.  Realize there's no way I'll ever be able to open the door to the garage.

Hmmm, maybe we should stop there for the time being;  it's late and I'm exhausted.   (Plus, I have to be up at 4). 

All I know is that the morning should set the tone for the rest of the day.   More often than not, I dry everyone's tears, blow their noses, kiss their sweet faces then promise that tomorrow will be much, much better because, Mommy won't yell and tell you that it will be all your fault if we're late, she loses her job and we have to eat cat food for dinner. 

Not sure this actually works but have been saying it for months anyway.