July 29, 2013

Things I've Lost

No, not that really cute glove last winter, or that tiny black plug that keeps the air in our inflatable pool, not even the library's audio book that disappeared in my garage seventeen months ago.  This time I'm writing about real stuff.  My blog posts are always honest but most of the time, they reflect the good stuff or at the very least, the not-so-horribly-rotten stuff in my life.  It's just plain easier to post digital photos and reflections about our active family.  Still, that doesn't give the whole picture, does it?

back in the good ol' days
Recently, I came upon a wonderfully honest post written by the blogger at True Confessions Of a Single Mother To Be.  She inspired me to be just as candid once and a while.  And I do mean, once and a while.  After this post, I'll probably hide behind photos and funny anecdotes for six months.

In no particular order, here are the things I've lost:

  • A close friend (family, really) who took me under her wing when I was a lost, unhappy teenager.  Our friendship changed as I got older--it became (I hope) less about needing to be rescued and cheered up and more about sharing life.  The distance between us has ranged from next door to thousands of miles away.  There were weddings and births.  New jobs, new apartments, first homes, a parade of pets--you name it, we celebrated.  Even after distance separated us, there were carefree visits filled with conversation and coffee.  Long, long phone calls.  Lots of tears but more laughs.  We've been a part of each other's lives one way or another for thirty years.  Now all that is gone.  Letters, phone calls, emails--everything goes unanswered.  I fear the worst and yet I cannot make myself contact her (estranged) family.  Another friend suggested that I wait a couple of months and then do an online search of the, well, you know....I can't even type it but that didn't stop me from going home that very night and doing the search.  I found Nothing.  I feel like there's a black hole where once there was a person.  A very important person.
  • Spiritual home.  My church family has been rocked by a terrible tragedy.  We are all reeling.  I'd love to say we pulled together and supported each other in our grief but I don't think that's even possible at this point. We, as a congregation, are like a shattered windshield.  Our pieces are scattered everywhere and each attempt to pick up the shards brings more pain.  This church was the answer to my prayers after many, many years of searching.  It felt like a permanent home more than any church I attended.  Now the walls have come crashing down and that sense of shelter is lost.
  • Being parented.  That's the strangest sounding item on this loss list and the hardest to write about. Let's just say that some of my struggles and failures at motherhood are because I never saw it firsthand.  I wish this was a wound that could be stitched up and healed with scar tissue.  It seems, however, to break open often and make a mess of everything.  Sometimes, it's a faint bruise and sometimes it is a hemorrhage, but it's always there.  Or, shall I say, not there.
Soon vacation will end and a new school year will begin.  Invariably, people will ask, "How was it?  Did you have a good summer?"  

Uh, huh. uhmm,... yes.  Want to see some pictures?


  1. Wow. This post has me wanting to go out with you for coffee (in all out spare time) and learn everything about you. I'm sorry for all that you've lost. I hope that your church is able to put done pieces back together and that you find positive things about your missing friend.

  2. Lara, I understand how hard this must have been for you; life is so full of unexplainable moments and despite everything you can't 'fix' or even comprehend, you still carry on being the best person and mother you can.

    Those whom you love that haven't looked after you properly or choose not to be in your life are missing out on something extraordinary. xxx

  3. Such an honest post. I'm sorry you've had so much loss. I wish I had the courage to post about the rough time I've been facing...I can't even motivate myself to post the photos of the good times (of which there are many, thankfully)

  4. That's a lot of loss for a short period of time. I'm hoping wonderful things come into your life to fill the void that's been left.

  5. Oh, Lara. Things have certainly been tough this year, there's no doubt. And yet you can still type, spell, and sit upright long enough to post pictures and submit this entry explaining the delirium that fills your life. That doesn't make them easier or better, but, all of this would certainly take a lesser woman down. I am so sorry for the many things that have been lost this year. They are meaningful, and they deserve mention and mourning.

    Words can't make the pain go away, or bring back any of these things, but I hope you can feel the love and support of all of us who are here for you. There is always an ear to listen, a shoulder to cry on, as well as coffee and wine waiting for you at my house. Just say the word.

  6. Such a honest and well expressed post. All I can say is you are dear to me and I always want the best for you. Your courage and strength I always admire. Hugs my friend!