Things I've Lost

No, not that really cute glove last winter, or that tiny black plug that keeps the air in our inflatable pool, not even the library's audio book that disappeared in my garage seventeen months ago.  This time I'm writing about real stuff.  My blog posts are always honest but most of the time, they reflect the good stuff or at the very least, the not-so-horribly-rotten stuff in my life.  It's just plain easier to post digital photos and reflections about our active family.  Still, that doesn't give the whole picture, does it?

back in the good ol' days

Recently, I came upon a wonderfully honest post written by the blogger at True Confessions Of a Single Mother To Be.  She inspired me to be just as candid once and a while.  And I do mean, once and a while.  After this post, I'll probably hide behind photos and funny anecdotes for six months.

In no particular order, here are the things I've lost:

• A close friend (family, really) who took me under her wing when I was a lost, unhappy teenager.  Our friendship changed as I got older--it became (I hope) less about needing to be rescued and cheered up and more about sharing life.  The distance between us has ranged from next door to thousands of miles away.  There were weddings and births.  New jobs, new apartments, first homes, a parade of pets--you name it, we celebrated.  Even after distance separated us, there were carefree visits filled with conversation and coffee.  Long, long phone calls.  Lots of tears but more laughs.  We've been a part of each other's lives one way or another for thirty years.  Now all that is gone.  Letters, phone calls, emails--everything goes unanswered.  I fear the worst and yet I cannot make myself contact her (estranged) family.  Another friend suggested that I wait a couple of months and then do an online search of the, well, you know....I can't even type it but that didn't stop me from going home that very night and doing the search.  I found Nothing.  I feel like there's a black hole where once there was a person.  A very important person.
• Spiritual home.  My church family has been rocked by a terrible tragedy.  We are all reeling.  I'd love to say we pulled together and supported each other in our grief but I don't think that's even possible at this point. We, as a congregation, are like a shattered windshield.  Our pieces are scattered everywhere and each attempt to pick up the shards brings more pain.  This church was the answer to my prayers after many, many years of searching.  It felt like a permanent home more than any church I attended.  Now the walls have come crashing down and that sense of shelter is lost.
• Being parented.  That's the strangest sounding item on this loss list and the hardest to write about. Let's just say that some of my struggles and failures at motherhood are because I never saw it firsthand.  I wish this was a wound that could be stitched up and healed with scar tissue.  It seems, however, to break open often and make a mess of everything.  Sometimes, it's a faint bruise and sometimes it is a hemorrhage, but it's always there.  Or, shall I say, not there.

Soon vacation will end and a new school year will begin.  Invariably, people will ask, "How was it?  Did you have a good summer?"  

Uh, huh. uhmm,... yes.  Want to see some pictures?