|first day above freezing temps|
|attempting vacation-like activity|
Granted, it was a stay-cation but still...shouldn't I feel a little better?
As I write this on the tenth and final day of spring break, I don't feel relaxed at all. I'm filled with a growing level of stress* and anxiety. Nothing major, just a lot of little things piling up. Tomorrow I have to be at work forty-five minutes early, no excuses. This means a friend must meet me at Henry's school and sit with him in the parking lot until the doors open, just so I can rush off to my school building. (Normally, I can wait with Henry until his bell rings and then get to work in plenty of time.) I'm very fortunate to have a friend who will do this for me on a monthly basis before she herself needs to get to her job. There aren't many members of my village, but those who are here are wonderful.
Also tomorrow, Liam will start with his back-up daycare. Our wonderful provider is recovering from surgery. I have met with the back-up caregiver twice and Liam is so extroverted that changes typically don't bother him as much as they do me. Still, I am worried. He has become very close to his regular daycare provider and doesn't really understand her physical recovery needs, asking just the other day, "Why did K---, get rid of me?" He's a very sensitive guy under all his bravado. So in addition to rushing off to work earlier than usual, I will be worrying about my younger son all day.
Typically, Liam eats whatever is served at his in-home daycare. For the temporary situation, I will be packing his breakfast and lunch. Will he eat it? Will he be lonely and scared? Will he get to preschool on time? Be the last to be picked up? Like I said, his back-up caregiver has great references but I don't really know her. And this is our third provider this school year. (He had one babysitter for the first three years of his life--and now this!)
My house continues in disrepair. We have four extracurricular activities after school/work this week. In addition, decisions will be made in the next week or so that will determine my assignment for next year. I'm not particularly hopeful.
But aside from all that, I've been home for over a week--spending uninterrupted time with my children. Shouldn't I feel better? Calmer? More grounded? Instead all I feel is exhausted. I didn't do one thing for myself during the last 10 days. (Well, okay, I did shower. But that's it.) I spent day after day, picking up Legos and Matchbox cars, cooking meals the boys wouldn't eat and washing sinkful after sinkful of dishes. You still have to wash the dishes even if they don't touch the food.
Don't get me wrong. I'm grateful for my children and all the time we do spend together. It's just that lately drudginess** of life has been getting in the way. I can't seem to enjoy the little moments (or big ones for that matter). The very worst thing is that with all this weighing on my mind, I lose my patience and snap at my sons. Especially when we are transitioning to a scheduled activity that we are inevitably late for. I immediately regret my harsh words and spend hours berating myself. It's such a terrible cycle.
I wish I could say that the Easter holiday was all sweet and special. Maybe if I block out the part where Liam had explosive diarrhea five minutes before we were due to leave for church*** and the part where Henry, at age six, had a fall-on-the-floor, full out tantrum because he didn't like what was in his Easter basket.
Well, tomorrow is another day. Hopefully a better day...a day where I can treat everyone in this house with a little more kindness and understanding. Including myself.
*as I typed this sentence, the phone rang. I let the machine pick up. A stern voice informed me that my son returned a damaged library book and I now I owe $19 asap. Seriously, it's 9 pm and I still can't catch a break.
**yeah, I know this isn't a word. I couldn't think of any other way to express this. Drudginess.
***I had to scrub and sanitize the floor and walls of the bathroom and then find a new outfit for both of us. Fortunately, he was just fine the rest of the day.
****my computer died three times while writing this post. The bottom of the laptop gets really hot and then the screen goes black. That can't be good.