It was an awful, ugly tantrum. The tears came ten minutes later.
I feel like I've lost my edge and forgotten how to be a working, single mom with two kids in different schools. Making lunches and dinners, maintaining the house, grocery shopping, doing laundry, paying bills while trying to give my children some quality time was difficult enough in the summer but now I'm going back to a forty hour work week (and hours of commuting). I'm not sure how this is all going to play out.
I also received a cryptic message on my answering machine that makes me think there may be some type of family crisis brewing. I won't know until I call back tomorrow morning (you know, while I drive to school for the first time--as if I won't be stressed enough).
So with nerves this jangled it's no wonder I yelled at my children. Not excusable by any means. Just not surprising. These are the difficult, lonely times of being an SMC. I've gotten through this before and I will again. It doesn't feel that way but I know I will.
I'm not good at being 'present in the moment' but that's what I'll have to do for the next few days (maybe even weeks). When I come upon my children being children, what am I really upset about? Legos and bedtimes missed by ten minutes or the ways I'm being pulled in every direction at once--trying to look like I have everyone's needs covered when in reality I just want to hide in a dark room?
Hiding won't help with the morning rush so I'm off to prepare for it. I'm sure things will look a little better then--evening is the worst time to
Oh man, I so understand this stress. I have been there. It sucks. It's too much for one person, it really is. I think all we can do is just say sorry to our kids. A few months ago things were like this for me and I remember just crying and saying I was sorry to Fiona and asking her if it would be ok for me to take some "mommy-only" time once in awhile, get a babysitter for them so I can exercise or go out with a friend. And she replied so sweetly "that sounds like a very good idea, Mommy." Made me want to laugh and cry all at once.
ReplyDeleteHang in there. This first week or two back will be hard. Try to get as much sleep as possible. It's hard. I hear you.
Thinking of you as you return to work. Are the students startling tomorrow too? It's always nerve wracking going back to school each year, but when you add in the home responsibilities too, it's overwhelming. I really hope there is no family crisis. I hope your transition back, and your kids' transition, is smooth.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry you're having to deal with so much right now. I wish I could offer some awesome advice or wisdom. Sending hugs
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry you're having to deal with so much right now. I wish I could offer some awesome advice or wisdom. Sending hugs
ReplyDeleteLara, I may be wrong here but you know what? It's ok to want your kids to pick up after themselves and when they don't (as most don't) you end up yelling at them. Overwhelmed or not, sometimes kids just need to learn that Mom can't be expected to do everything. It's not like you beat them and sent them to bed with no dinner :)
ReplyDeleteI bet they were already 'over it' this morning. Hope your first day back wasn't so horrible. (And thank you for the kind words you posted on my blog - as usual :)
xo
I hear you. I've been that mom a hundred times and you beat yourself up for not being perfect and living in the present moment and being all cheery and happy and full of gratefulness like all the blogs tell you you're supposed to be. But you're in the trenches, and any mom in the trenches will tell you that sometimes to survive you have to blow off a little steam. It ain't pretty and it terribly adult, but you're children know they are loved and they are resilient and all is okay. Hang in there. It seems like these things go in cycles and things are worst right before you hit the breaking point and everything changes. Hopefully the light is just beyond the horizon and everything will settle in a few weeks. One day at a time. Hugs. And lots of I-hear-ya's. :)
ReplyDeleteI'm so very sorry Lara! I hope today was a bit easier than you anticipated. Please try to give yourself a break...you can only do so much. And it's ok to want to hide in the corner, better yet it's ok to go ahead and hide in the corner! Many prayers and hugs your way!
ReplyDeleteI had all these visions of the rosy life I would lead with my kids as an SMC. And there are those rosy, sweet, special moments. But then there are also the moments of yelling and bad behavior on my part that have me cringing later. I think it goes with the territory.
ReplyDeleteAnd I like to tell myself that it's good for our kids to see us "misbehave" sometimes, and then apologize for it, as needed. Not sure that's true, but it makes me feel better.
I hope your first few weeks of school go smoothly and you find yourself in a good routine quickly!
So tough. Hang in there!!
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